Live, from the Entertainment Capital of of the World! THIS is Blogging with the STARS!
Tonight, we’ll watch as our first celebrity contestant teams up with a famous author to prove that they have what it takes to excel in the blogosphere.
All our contestants have been preparing intensely for the moment they sit down and, using what they’ve learned from their professional writing partners, attempt to craft a blog post that will win the coveted Blogging With the Stars trophy imitation quill pen and glitter pencil set. Will they write a memorable piece that sings, or, an inert mass of hopeless dreck?
Let’s get “write” to the action! Our contestant and author will take their places in the two glass booths on our stage. The contestant has a computer and, in the other booth, their author will be able to see what they’re typing and communicate with them, while our judges monitor the conversation to make certain that the only advice that’s given is on grammar, or on questions of style, and that the author is NOT dictating what their celebrity’s writing.
Ready? Let’s meet our celebrity contestant and his author!
Pay attention when he comes on stage, because our first celebrity may streak past before you see him. Ladies and gentlemen, nine-time Olympic gold medal winner, holder of the world records in the 100 and 200 meter dash, the world’s fastest human, the lightning bolt himself, USAIN BOLT!
And, stepping into the author booth, let’s give a warm Blogging with the Stars welcome to one of the titans of modern literature, VIRGINIA WOOLF!
Our contestants’ conversation will appear in italics. Usain’s blog post-in-progress will be in bold. Let’s see how well one of the world’s greatest writers has coached the world’s fastest man. Okay, the clock is running!
UB: Ready, Ginny?
VW: If you are, Mr. Bolt.
UB: Here goes. Hang with me. I type as fast as I run.
Olympic Gold, by Usain Bolt
I said I would win this race for myself. But also for Jamaica and for everyone. Quickly rapidly accelerating growing ever distant;
uncatchable, evanescent, eructating; speedsters, spectators sportscasters staring I run; running fast, fastest lineward.
UB: Okay so far?
VW: Certainly not “eructating.” You sound like Anthony Burgess. I think you mean “exploding” or “erupting.”
UB: I like it. It’s the kind of word you’d use. Don’t slow me down.
How fast, how strong, faster than anyone, the runners beside me on the lanes; like the flight of a bullet; the streak of a bird; hopeful and vying and yet (for all professionals as we were) fierce, feeling as I did, flying there along the
smooth straight track, that something wonderful was about to happen; looking at the stands, at the people with their flags around them and the cheers sambas sounding, rising; running and flying until the finish line and the tape and that was it!
VW: “Sambas sounding” is fine, but I dislike that exclamation mark, Mr. Bolt.
UB: Ginny, I am the Bolt! I am made of exclamations!
In their eyes, in the stands, rush and fly; in the photos and the flags and the interviews; the cameras, microphones, onlookers, coaches yelling and pointing and praising; clashing colors; crazy mob scenes; in the furor and the buzzing and the always high-up hovering helicopters overhead are all what I love; running; speed; those moments of victory.
VW: “All what I love” needs some work.
UB: Ohhhh …. all right.
… overhead; I love it all; speeding, those moments of victory.
VW: Much improved. Continue.
The work, training, paining, straining forgotten ….
VW: Hold, please …. Too many “-ainings.”
UB: Hmph! Too many interruptions, you ask me.
The work, training,
paining, straining forgotten when Gatlin say, “Wah gwaan,” and I say, “Mi deh yah. Likkle more.”
VW: Wait! What is that?
UB: Jamaican, ma’am. I’m Jamaican, remember?
VW: It’s certainly rum enough. I recommend against dialect in serious writing.
UB: And I recommend against being too serious in any language, but if you insist.
…. forgotten when Gatlin say, “What is happening” and I say, “I’m here, that’s what. See you later.” What is this race? What is this speed? I think to myself. What is it that fills the world with great and extraordinary excitement?
It is Bolt I say. For here I am.
Time’s up! And there you have it! Two amazing talents: Usain Bolt and Virginia Woolf collaborating on a blog post. Okay, now it’s time for you to vote. How do you rate Usain and Ms. Woolf’s post, from 1 to 5?
(Voting has closed for this episode.)
Do you have a favorite celebrity or writer you’d like to see appear on Blogging with the Stars? Please, no political figures or candidates; religious leaders; notorious criminals (not that the latter excludes either of the former two); Stalin, Hitler, Mao or other truly evil people. This is strictly for fun. Leave your suggestion in a comment. The writers may be deceased, but we’ll stick to living celebrities.
Apologies to Ms. Woolf, her heirs or estate for taking liberty with excerpts from Mrs. Dalloway.
© Brad Nixon 2016