Posted by: Brad Nixon | December 7, 2012

A Holiday Dish of Spam

Spam, in the computer sense, is the price of admission for having an open door to the world of the Internet. Just as when you open the door of your mansion on a tropical island and bugs and bats fly in, open the door of your computer, and in flies spam. If you stand in one place, with a website or a blog, you’re an easy target. The automatic firewall on my blog informs me that it’s blocked nearly 10,000 spam comments in 3 years. Others it doesn’t automatically discard are sent to me to decide whether they are “real” messages or spam. I get two or three of those per day.

Two years ago, I devoted two entire blog entries to fascinating spam messages, spurious searches and cryptic comments Under Western Skies received. I swore I wouldn’t do this again, but I can’t resist. Some of this stuff, really, is just too good to resist. No, I’m not going to belabor you again with long, transliterated-from-the-Russian items, but, as it happens, some utter spammian gems arrived recently. Like most spam, they show a “trend,” indicating that they’re generated in more or less the same sweatshop of phishery, then pasted into robot translators. Someone typed something that may have made good sense in Lower Slobbovian and hit the “translate” button. But when the translation software kicked in, the task of converting complete thoughts from a language that lacks articles or imposed word order and employs a vast range of richly inflected tenses and genders into the chaos of English is, well, impossible. I receive messages with Roman instead of Cyrillic letters, but that’s where the resemblance to my language ends.

It would be conceivable that one or more of these were intended as actual comments, and weren’t spam, were it not for the fact that the associated IP addresses look suspiciously like sites that mean one harm. I’ve omitted those. You’ll see that several of these are built around a similar “daughter” reference.

Here is some fun reading, all, by the way, posted in “response” to the same blog post. I present them without edits or corrections, just as they arrived.

In this one, I love the “thrice per week:”

Thanks so much for providing individuals with such a remarkable possiblity to discover important secrets from this web site. It is usually very brilliant and full of fun for me and my office peers to visit the blog at the least thrice per week to find out the fresh tips you have. Of course, we are actually impressed with the extraordinary secrets you give. Some 3 points in this post are unquestionably the very best I have ever had.

Here I get credit for assisting “the mediocre ones:”

I happen to be commenting to let you be aware of what a amazing discovery our daughter went through using your webblog. She noticed such a lot of pieces, which included how it is like to have a marvelous coaching spirit to let the mediocre ones without hassle completely grasp certain extremely tough issues. You actually surpassed people’s expected results. Thank you for supplying these great, healthy, explanatory not to mention fun thoughts on that topic to Tanya.

Here’s another translation of basically the same thought, except the daughter has a different name:

I am only writing to make you understand of the fabulous encounter my friend’s daughter obtained using your blog. She learned several issues, with the inclusion of what it’s like to have an incredible coaching nature to have others without problems fully grasp specified very confusing issues. You actually surpassed her desires. Many thanks for distributing these great, dependable, revealing not to mention fun guidance on this topic to Gloria.

Here, I move the reader to tears of contentment:

I precisely wished to thank you very much yet again. I do not know the things that I could possibly have achieved in the absence of the entire opinions contributed by you over such subject matter. It was before a very frustrating setting in my circumstances, however , taking a look at your specialized fashion you managed it made me to weep over contentment. I am just thankful for this advice and then have high hopes you realize what a powerful job you happen to be doing training people today thru your websites. More than likely you’ve never come across all of us.

Finally, one in which I get credit for virtually saving the individual from a life without meaning.

I would like to express thanks to you for bailing me out of such a situation. Right after scouting throughout the internet and obtaining tips which are not pleasant, I thought my entire life was well over. Living without the strategies to the issues you’ve solved by means of your entire guideline is a critical case, as well as the kind which might have in a wrong way damaged my entire career if I had not encountered your web blog. The capability and kindness in handling a lot of stuff was invaluable. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if I had not discovered such a subject like this. I can also at this time look forward to my future. Thanks a lot so much for the expert and amazing help. I will not be reluctant to suggest your web site to anyone who needs and wants care on this topic.

Heart-warming, isn’t it?

Of course, there’s a possibility that along the way I’ve discarded some poorly translated comments that were genuine in their intent to communicate. That’s the fragility of language, which, however much we think the Internet and global communication have connected us to one another across the globe, still separates us. I can’t read even the simplest article in another language without painstaking use of a dictionary, and, were I to rely upon an automatic translation I would certainly make some hilarious or offensive mistakes, too.

Monday, I’ll get back to a language I understand: Middle English. It’s time for the annual rereading of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. See you then.

© 2012 Brad Nixon



  1. I love reading these semi-spam messages as well. Really makes one feel good about oneself. Singlehandedly making an impact on the internet. I do confess, though, to never having saved someone from a life of obtaining unpleasant tips. Maybe I’m not aiming high enough.

    As to Sir Gawain – Ive had a copy of this in my bookshelf back home for years, bought largely because I saw JRR Tolkein’s name on the cover as the editor. I’ve never read it (and have a good excuse now that it’s 10,000kms away). Perhaps you’ll inspire me. I hope so.


    • Nick, in fact, we’ll be looking at Prof. Tolkein’s critical comments in our study of Gawain this year. Stand by, and I hope you’ll find something to enjoy about one of my favorite works in all of literature.


  2. please to be letting me think you for the most excellent examples of techniques for saving of the life! natasha and i may use these to catch moose ant squirrel! До свидания!, boris.


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