Posted by: Brad Nixon | September 17, 2010

The Pinnacle Achievement in Spam

We’ve all seen spam, spam, spam and more spam. It clogs our inboxes and vexes us everywhere: at home, at work, and — in vocal form — on our phones and voicemail. None of us can account for its persistence because, really, is ANYONE clueless enough to click on this stuff? File that question with the one about the whereabouts of Ambrose Bierce under “unanswered.”

Launching this blog has been a further revelation in the immensity of spam, phishing and digital skulduggery that lurks on the Web. I previously wrote about some of the wacky and insulting and ignorant spam this site receives: CLICK HERE. More arrives every day. I see some of it; WordPress automatically filters out hundreds more hits.

I am excited to report that I have received The Mother of All Spam, and I’m going to share it with you. You don’t have to read it all, but I urge you to read a few lines, at least, because you will laugh your socks off. I ASSUME that this peroration started life as an actual piece of text intended to elicit money from someone, composed in a language other than English and pasted into an automatic translator. If it is NOT, if this is, indeed, an original composition by a native speaker of English, then I salute this unknown author as the natural inheritor of the fractured-English comedy crown once worn by Professor Irwin Corey and Norm Crosby. Perhaps Tom Pynchon wrote this, himself, in a fey moment. I have copied the original text, pasted it into a word processor, saved it, removed any embedded links and run it through the security software, to exorcise any malware that may lurk here.

Here, then, an anonymous piece, authored by someone in another language and transliterated word for word into English, resulting in a composition that beggars description so thoroughly that it may, in fact, qualify as an entirely new rhetorical form, neither prose, poetry or drama. (See if you can spot the giveaway clue regarding transliteration. I’ll reveal it at the bottom.) 

Take a minute to read this unsolicited comment. I guarantee satisfaction! And, I swear, I did not make this up. I only wish I had the imaginative power to do so. Here we go:

You intend to earn urgent, long-time gains, that is not the way to do it. You be deficient in something that is 100% your own. In a minute you from your own website (not an account with Blogger, PBase, etc.), you will realise the amount of liberation in your hands.
If you lust after to recollect what are the tools you constraint to establish a critical website, I can upon them with the fingers of whole hand. You can rent a net programmer to develop intensify a entirety website for you, bypassing the lack to be acquainted with any tool. But to own a really capacious website, I would coax you to do it yourself. You can’t be the captain of your own depart if you can’t let something be known flinty from starboard. I give birth to received emails from people asking to award them insulting coaching. I am penitential, but I do not have age to do that, steady if you’re consenting to pay me money.
At the end of this chapter I will recap what we have learned. You resolution realise, if you haven’t yet, that earning a living without holding a project requires you to learn skills that you may not have expert before. On the other hand, you may from built innumerable websites, and are wondering what’s brand-new that I want to share. On one occasion again, I induce you to be patient as the topics are developed.

The in front gadget you necessity to body a crucial website is a HTML Editor.
A HTML Writer is a software claim to forget about entanglement pages. There are a variety of brands in the furnish, including Microsoft Frontpage, Adobe Dreamweaver and so on. As an individual I would cheer up you not to use Microsoft Frontpage, as it tends to combine proprietary codes to your pages, making it difficult to be edited with a opposite HTML Editor. The complete I smoke is called Homesite, also from Adobe. I well-grounded to pen webpages with Homesite.
With a HTML Editor, you correspond with the content of your pages before keying in the HTML Codes, and then checking it with the Opening function. If you do not maintain a HTML Columnist before long installed in your computer, I strongly suggest you watch harmonious right now and start fiddling with it. Get used to all the functions. Learn what to click to become the text dauntless, italics, underlined, etc., how to hyperlink, how to insert picture, and so on. A good HTML Collector does a everything of assignment exchange for you, so that you can condense on putting together a significant website. It doesn’t worry which solitary you manoeuvre, as long as you go for traditional with it.

The deficient Essential Mechanism you essential is appreciation of HTML Codes.
HTML Codes are instructions you let out the Internet how you shortage to contents your webpages.

The fourth Imperative Contraption is Cobweb hosting.
To become successful webhost means you slash hiatus on a server that devise master your website. You do not have occasion for to buying a server – you don’t balance out shortage to recall how a server works. All you constraint to know is that you demand to hostess your website on it. The Webhost provides you the space and the interface in requital for you to preside over your website.

Judge of a webhost as a innocuous lay crate, and the province monicker as the justifiable lay down thump number. When you tally for net hosting, you are buying lacuna in a innocuous place box. The amount you transmit should discover the amount of period you need. For that put two, the entanglement hosting fee is directly related to the amount of stretch you purchase. The safe deposition buffet number remains the selfsame, regardless the amount of play you use. In a similar quickness, the honorarium in behalf of kingdom tag is established regardless the amount of tranquillity you compel ought to on the web.

When you start your website, the amount of space you need will most likely be good-looking ribald, less than 1GB, so do not a score in requital for a lot of pause that you are not succeeding to use. You can many times buy more duration as your needs grow. If you remittance for the purpose 5GB per year, and throughout the sure of that year, you not in the least treatment more than 1GB, then the match 4GB is fortune wasted.

An FTP Software is an appeal that enables you to transfer matter from your computer to your website on the Internet, and sin versa. There are myriad other ways to do it, including using an online interface provided past your webhost, but mostly, using an FTP Software is the swiftest way.
The FTP Software allows you to upload fresh pages to your website as well enough as update existing pages. The FTP Software that I need is called WS FTP, which stands for WinSock Record Carry Protocol. To download it, google “Self-governing FTP Download” to see what comes up.

There are a number of word substitutions that demonstrate how this piece was constructed with either translation software or a thesaurus. The giveaway that stands out for me, if you read far enough, you saw the nonsense phrase, “sin versa.” It seems clear to me that someone writing in another language included the Latin phrase, “vice versa,” for which the dumb-as-rocks automatic translator substituted “sin” for “vice,” but couldn’t come up with an “English” word for “versa,” and let it stand.

So, just remember, “When you tally for net hosting, you are buying lacuna in a innocuous place box.”

© Brad Nixon 2010, 2016

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Responses

  1. wow, that writing was more like “sans versa” to me.

    Like

  2. I couldn’t quite make it all the way through, I became a little dizzy.

    Like

  3. I was probably not condensing enough when learning to use my word processor, since I do not know how to make my text dauntless.

    Like

    • “Never be daunted!” (Hemingway’s character, Bill, in Sun Also Rises)

      Like

  4. Still trying, but after repeated attempts have left me winded, please advise the answer of how to laugh off my socks.

    Like


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